I’m worried about you. Yeah, I mean you.
I worry about people. Including those I don’t know well — or don’t know at all.
I worry that someone will read something I wrote and call me out.
I worry about injustice and unfairness.
I have geographic worry — Austin, Idaho, Oregon, the country, the planet.
When I watch sports, I worry about the players getting injured.
I worry about how independent musicians are going to make a living.
The list could go on and on.
So imagine how I feel when I do know you. And especially if I have a relationship with you.
As I do in these writings, I’m inviting you into my inner processing and examination of why I worry about everyone.
You have been warned.
In the language of the DISC behavioral assessment, I am a high “D” and high “I” — close to 100 on both. My business/creative partner, Emily, sums it up succinctly: “Justin wants to win and Justin wants to be loved.” This explains some of my dichotomies. Like Meyers-Briggs, Enneagram or any other in-depth behavioral assessment, your dominant tendencies also have a shadow side.
As a high I, the positive is that I am gregarious, relatable, a good conversationalist. The negative or shadow side is that I’m a “people pleaser.” My great friend, Juan Kingsbury, is an expert on the DISC. He states, “Why do high I people want to be liked? Something occurred when you felt left out, overlooked and speaking up got you a kind of attention that felt good. This causes high I people to over-focus on being liked or heard and sometimes miss the mark on the intent of their communication/interaction.”
In my parts therapy work with my therapist, Adrienne, I call this part of me the “Border Collie”. It means I’m very protective and sensitive about roles, boundaries, rules. I’m very tuned in to risk and want my “herd” to feel safe. It means I like to know where I stand, that you find me valuable, useful, needed. I get hurt, resentful, withdrawn if I don’t feel like I’m valuable. (Adrienne also expertly observed that I try to “engineer” relationships in order to prevent getting hurt.)
In the Enneagram, I’m an 8w7. 8s are the challenger archetype. We like to be seen as strong, decisive, courageous leaders. As such, we are really good at denying, stuffing, covering up, or ignoring what we perceive as weakness. And I definitely view worry as a weakness.
Yet, I worry.
And the worry definitely increases the deeper our relationship is — which produces some interesting paradoxes.
If I care deeply about you, I want you to feel safe. Which includes keeping you safe from my shadow feelings.
If I care deeply about you, I want truth to be an essential part of our relationship. Yet I will hide from you the truth of what I’m feeling.
If I care deeply about you, I want you to see me as strong and reliable. Yet I have a tendency to wall off from or distance myself when threatened.
So what is the solution? As it is with every healthy relationship, the solution is VULNERABILITY.
Damn you, Brene Brown!
I refer to vulnerability as “emotional nudity”. Here I am. This is me. Like actual nudity, it’s not for everyone. Not everyone needs to see the raw me. But those that I love and that love me certainly do. Vulnerability is stripping down to the essence. Even if it is scary.
How terrifying to tell you the truth of what I’m feeling. This fear produces a doubt loop of “What if I’m wrong?!” and “Why am I so weak?!”
Yet, the only way to break that loop is for me to be vulnerable. There is no other way.
I will close with this …
As I often do, I create mantras for the things I want to change, improve, transform. Here is my mantra for vulnerability in relationships: If you are worried about your image, it’s not a real relationship.
If I love you and you love me, there is no need for performance. There is no transaction, no obligation. There is simply the truth.